Porcupine Balls (Baked Meatballs with Rice)

You know you wanna eat these. I don’t always make sides.

Ross calls these marriage meatballs, because he decided he was going to try to talk me into marrying him after he ate these. It took less work both for making the meatballs and convincing me to marry him than he seemed to expect. I just call them delicious, though. I started making this dish somewhere in the 7th to 9th grade range, and over the years it evolved from a much less flavourful, not-quite-cooked-through-rice thing to a more complicated, but far better staple dish. It has some exotic ingredients, but it's not necessary to keep them in there if you don't have them, don't like them, don't want them, or just find them too expensive.

It should be noted here that I am giving you the full recipe. I never, unless we have guests, make the full tray of these any more. I had to stop because I found that Ross will consistently eat every meatball left in the tray after everyone is done eating. And then he lays about moaning about his “meat sweats” and desire to vomit after eating pretty close to 2# of meat in a short span of time. All the rice in here doesn’t help matters. Since he entirely lacks self-control with these, I find it simpler and more pleasant to place default limits on how much he can hurt himself by making half-batches. So y’all be careful and try not to hurt yourselves!

Sauce:

24 ounces tomato sauce
15-ounce can stewed tomatoes
1 small can chopped olives
1 small bay leaf
1 mashed clove garlic (roasted is better than raw, but I never roast them for this anymore)
1/2 teaspoon each: dried thyme, ground pepper
1/4 teaspoon dried rosemary
1 teaspoon each: dried basil, salt
2 tablespoons dried onions, or around a quarter cup of chopped onion
generous pinch truffle powder (optional)
1/4 - 1/2 cup vodka or water (I use truffle-infused vodka I made almost 20 years ago, but I have used water and plain vodka and it’s fine)

Combine and simmer 1-2 hours. Up to you if you blend, but I do not. I do, however, smash the stewed tomato slices into bits with the back of my spoon.

Meatballs:

2 pounds ground beef (I always use the full-fat stuff; you do what you want)
1 1/2 - 2 cups cooked white rice
1 tablespoon butter
2 tablespoons olive oil, divided
2 teaspoons poppy seeds
Salt and pepper to taste
1 medium onion, diced
1 teaspoon garlic powder
splash lemon juice
2 eggs

Mozzarella or other cheeses you prefer (optional): 1-2 pounds (your call, but put a tray under your pan, just in case, if you do 2)

Preheat oven to 350F/180C/GM4. In a small pan, heat 1 tablespoon oil and butter together. When the butter is melted, put in the onion and a little salt and let it cook over low heat until your house smells like hash browns (15-20 minutes). Put the onions in a huge bowl and add the rice. Mix together, then add salt, pepper, poppy seeds, garlic powder and lemon juice.

Mix well then add meat, plus a little more salt and pepper.

NOTE: I do not always use all of the rice mixture. You’re looking for roughly 1:3 rice:meat, but you can float it a bit. I find any leftover rice goes quickly, because as a standalone it’s also really tasty.

Mix well again (I use my hands for all this mixing, because fewer dishes and I can feel the distribution of all its parts), then add the eggs and once again, mix well.

Using the remaining olive oil, oil the bottom of a 12X9 pan (you can use a smaller pan if you want and just smoosh the meatballs together a bit, which is what I normally do). Make little meat balls, just smaller than golf balls, and put them in the pan. Pour the sauce on top and bake for one hour, covered loosely in foil. Remove the foil and cover the top with cheese, then bake another 15 minutes or until the cheese is nicely browned. Serves around 8 people. Or sometimes even just one person, when Ross has his way.